Tuesday, February 22, 2011

How you know you're watching a Dude Movie (TM)

1) The women do not have relationships with each other - they have relationships with the men, the men have relationships with each other, but the women only interact superficially with each other (if at all)

2) The clear message in Dude Movies is that while it is completely shallow for women to want a conventionally attractive male it is clearly expected and appropriate that every male only wants a hot girl and this desire in a male is not shallow at all. She may or may not have any inner beauty but she absolutely should recognize his and want him for it. To clarify, she should be hot, and her depth of personality and consciousness should manifest itself as interest in a schlubby, socially awkward guy who only wants HER because she is hot. Ideally she has, literally, no other attributes - except she is probably also rich. Sometimes she is tragically poor and he fantasizes about fixing this for her (obvs, she cannot ever change anything in her life for herself).

This, for example, would never happy in a dude movie, because our hero MUST be schlubby, nerdy, or otherwise unattractive, and the pretty girl in the movie must save herself for him:

She may initially reject Schlubby Dude, but if she doesn't eventually give in to his witty attempts to woo her, she's going to end up being the antichrist in the movie.

This, instead, is what happens in Dude Movie:

3) The only smart girl in the movie only becomes romantically appealing if she has some sort of cosmetic makeover.

4) He often does creepy stalker things that would really, really freak you out in real life.

5) Sometimes The Schlubby Dude also has a transformative moment; he gets bitten by a radioactive spider, or he accidentally invents lying, or he blackmails the hot girl into giving him a makeover, or he ends up in jail (even though he's a teenager) and his fairy-jail-father bleaches his hair and teaches him how to fake being a goon, or he somehow runs across some super-weed he has to sell and learns Life Lessons along the way. He probably learns to dance. I think change is good, so this isn't always super offensive, but it is disconcerting if someone changes something fundamental about themself to get people to like them.

6) He lies about something fairly significant - because dishonesty is fun, and full of win! Especially when you are dishonest about yourself! That's an awesome basis for a relationship, amirite?! 

No matter what, in Dude Movies, the guy gets the girl. Not because of some consistent, inherent integrity, or because they have significant fundamental things in common or are EQUALLY ATTRACTED TO EACH OTHER, but instead because after being exposed to his bizarre behavior long enough the girl gives in and somehow finds it goofily endearing and magically wants him in her panties? Has this ever worked on anyone in real life ever?

Can you imagine what that relationship will look like in 5-10 years? (Actually, if you can, I'll draw it)

Dude movies are funny but the 'schlub gets hot girl' storyline makes me want to stab myself in the eye.


  1. This is why from now on I will only watch Gnome movies.

  2. To true, though I think Chick Flicks are just as predictable and ridiculous as Dude Movies!
    Gnomes it is!