Tuesday, February 22, 2011

How you know you're watching a Dude Movie (TM)

1) The women do not have relationships with each other - they have relationships with the men, the men have relationships with each other, but the women only interact superficially with each other (if at all)

2) The clear message in Dude Movies is that while it is completely shallow for women to want a conventionally attractive male it is clearly expected and appropriate that every male only wants a hot girl and this desire in a male is not shallow at all. She may or may not have any inner beauty but she absolutely should recognize his and want him for it. To clarify, she should be hot, and her depth of personality and consciousness should manifest itself as interest in a schlubby, socially awkward guy who only wants HER because she is hot. Ideally she has, literally, no other attributes - except she is probably also rich. Sometimes she is tragically poor and he fantasizes about fixing this for her (obvs, she cannot ever change anything in her life for herself).

This, for example, would never happy in a dude movie, because our hero MUST be schlubby, nerdy, or otherwise unattractive, and the pretty girl in the movie must save herself for him:

She may initially reject Schlubby Dude, but if she doesn't eventually give in to his witty attempts to woo her, she's going to end up being the antichrist in the movie.

This, instead, is what happens in Dude Movie:

3) The only smart girl in the movie only becomes romantically appealing if she has some sort of cosmetic makeover.

4) He often does creepy stalker things that would really, really freak you out in real life.

5) Sometimes The Schlubby Dude also has a transformative moment; he gets bitten by a radioactive spider, or he accidentally invents lying, or he blackmails the hot girl into giving him a makeover, or he ends up in jail (even though he's a teenager) and his fairy-jail-father bleaches his hair and teaches him how to fake being a goon, or he somehow runs across some super-weed he has to sell and learns Life Lessons along the way. He probably learns to dance. I think change is good, so this isn't always super offensive, but it is disconcerting if someone changes something fundamental about themself to get people to like them.

6) He lies about something fairly significant - because dishonesty is fun, and full of win! Especially when you are dishonest about yourself! That's an awesome basis for a relationship, amirite?! 

No matter what, in Dude Movies, the guy gets the girl. Not because of some consistent, inherent integrity, or because they have significant fundamental things in common or are EQUALLY ATTRACTED TO EACH OTHER, but instead because after being exposed to his bizarre behavior long enough the girl gives in and somehow finds it goofily endearing and magically wants him in her panties? Has this ever worked on anyone in real life ever?

Can you imagine what that relationship will look like in 5-10 years? (Actually, if you can, I'll draw it)

Dude movies are funny but the 'schlub gets hot girl' storyline makes me want to stab myself in the eye.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Missing the point

I don't pick these apart just to be nasty; I have lots of ways to amuse myself. But online dating can be frustrating and it kind of helps to vent about it on my blog. Also, I harbor a tiny hope that someone might read one of these and maybe get something out of it - a way to respond constructively or, if they recognize similarly oblivious behavior in themself, stop doing it.

So today I logged into OKC for the first time in over a month and I'm trying to get caught up on my messages. Here's one that drives me crazy - I've received a variation of this from many people. My comments are interspersed parenthetically in the pasted quoted text.

"that you have a fantasy about filling out a list of things and magically a prefect match will appear is so true! Thanks for putting it into perspective. (How did I put 'it' into perspective? What?)

I do like what you say about yourself. Good job for that... it isn't easy is it? (I spent 15 minutes writing my profile.)

I know you aren't looking for someone my age, but that doesn't mean we can't talk does it? (Yes, that's what that means, it exactly means that I DO NOT WANT emails from men in their 50s. Oh but, you REALLY want to talk to me? And that should count more than what I want? Fun!.)

I like your mind and I'd like to visit with you from time to time. (Like Santa?) I like making new friends and learning new perspectives. Maybe you'll read my profile and find it interesting enough to send me a note. (No.) That would be nice. (Still no.)

Thanks for coming back and saying what you did. It matters to me. (What? Are you drunk already?)

Best Regards"
But really - I explicitly say in my profile what age range I want, and my first paragraph was about how I fantasize about making a list of what I want and getting exactly that...so this guy reads that, sympathizes with the sentiment, and then says to himself 'I'm exactly the opposite of what she says she wants, and she also says she wants exactly what's on her list, I SHOULD TOTALLY EMAIL HER AND OFFER TO COME VISIT.' What does that even mean? He lives in the same urban area I do.
Also...why is someone emotionally touched by a complete stranger's dating profile? Is this a thing?

The day the geese stood still

I love running outside - the fresh air, the sky, the scenery, the HEAT - I love it.

Today, however, fall came to Texas.

This meant 2 things.

1: I didn't have to run before 11am/after 7pm to avoid heat stroke
2: I spent 30 minutes deciding if I needed pants, capri running tights, my long sleeve shirt, etc to run in (hey. I get cold.) only to end up wearing my normal running shorts but a short sleeve tee instead of running tank, because dude friend convinced me I'd warm up once I got out there. I did, but I was REALLY miserable the first 15 minutes.

I left the apartment at 11:30, and the sky was all overcast and gloomy and the air had this weird crispness to it. There were tons of people out running and walking in varying states of bundled-upness, proving that I'm not the only Texan whose system goes into shock when the temp gets below 70. I mean everyone was clearly ALSO excited to be outside without keeling over - when it's hot I usually only ever see one or two other joggers out in the daylight.

Anyway, I digress. But no it's kind of related to the story. I usually trot down to the high school track, where there's always other people running, I can set my water bottle on the bleachers, and families frolic in the fields while doves fly overhead and kids pitch into that batting cage thing in the corner.

It's pretty sweet. People corral their kids in that middle section while they jog around. There is usually some dried duck poo in the upper right corner of the track, but I normally amuse myself by playing hopscotch with it. I was expecting more of the same today.

I was wrong.

My track, my fields, they had no people. Empty. Creepy. The grass was a weird color, the sky was getting gloomier and I was all alone. Well, except for that cop car hanging out by that random truck with a horse trailer, which were parked oddly in the school parking lot. I don't know how to draw a cop car so for the sake of the story pretend that a blue car = the police. (This won't matter later.)

Then I noticed something else, off in the distance. The birds! The ones whose poo I'd been hopping over for months - I was finally getting to see them! But my eyesight is a little wacky, so I was like, wtf are they? Ducks or geese? Can I eat one?

Can you tell I dyed my hair red? SO CUTE. My bff and I did it before my birthday. LOVE.

Wow, that's a lot of geese. Definitely geese. Still wondering if they'd taste good. Is it poaching if I take one?How does that work? WHY DO I THINK OF THESE THINGS?

Each lap the geese start getting closer. I stare them down, hoping they know I'll eat them if given half a chance.

But then...maybe that's not a good idea. Is eye contact BAD with geese? Are they like creepy van guys, where you are supposed to make SOFT eye contact and not direct eye contact? Are they thinking about eating me too?

Holy fucking god they're swarming me. See the big leader? See how they are coming from both sides? What the fuck!! Did they eat the other runners?!?!

But then I remember the cop car. He's probably part of some special anti-geese task force, right, here to protect peole from these gangs of maurading fowl.

I really thought that. It took me 7 minutes to figure out that didn't making any freaking sense. Why WAS that cop there? Was he still there? I looked again.

The cop was still there - but he had MOVED. He'd been there 25 minutes and now he was angled straight at me.

The Xs on the track show the location of all the geese. Where were they all coming from?!

They were continuing to swarm the track, creepy cop was inexplicably watching me run...I'd had it.


Maybe nothing sinister was going on, but, whatever the hell it was, it was ruining my run. I was obsessing about geese and cops and horse trailers instead of thinking about whatever it is I normally think about, so I fled the scene and decided to finish my run on the trail by the canal.

Three minutes later, the cop drove by me. Then he turned around and drove by again.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Hot guy morphs into sad sack

I got a message from this guy:

But no, he rapidly turned into this guy:

"Hey, I really enjoyed reading your profile. I work in (city) and I would like to... screw it. No woman worth going after ever responds. Sorry I bothered you. "

I guess he was right, because I never wrote him back.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Stop trippin, cat

This is every morning. Every morning, my cat and I do the dance of almost death. One day it will not end well.

Step 1: I go into the kitchen for a beverage. Let's pretend it's coffee.

Cat is sleeping in corner, until he senses me in the vicinity of the kitchen. He immediately wants to help.

Step 2: Cat tries to get my 'coffee'

by attempting to extract it through my feet. The good news? He no longer tries to climb up my legs to get whatever is in my hand.

Step 3: I trip (every time. Really. But usually I just wobble and catch myself. Eventually, this shit will get REAL.)

And then what, cat? What will happen when I finally fall for real? WHAT THEN?

That's right. FLAT CAT. Squish. Chew on that, motherf*ckaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

SO creepy!!

Today I received one of the creepiest message/dating profile combinations in a while. I think this guy goes into my top 5 all time worsts for his special combination of offensive, creepy, and creepier statements. Seriously, he is even better than the guy who asked me if I LIKE horses - you know, in an intimate way (I don't. I don't even mention horses in my profile. So weird.)

I was lying in bed, contemplating a nap, when my phone beeped to tell me that I had an message in OKCupid. I opened up the message and read it and immediately thought, what? What? I got up and went to my laptop so I could get the full impact. Here is his message:

Subject: Hmmmm

Smart, pretty and fit. Plus you like to cook and play video games.

I'm trying to figure out if you intimidate men or are just really picky. Maybe you just haven't bumped into the right one. Dunno.

I think I'd like to be someone who knew you. Maybe even got close to. I bet you're pretty awesome to be around. Drop me a line if you think the same.
Alarm bells! What is wrong with you? his message says. Why are you 34 and still single, crazy bish? Now, I get it, once you're in your 30s people do start to wonder where you have gone astray. They sometimes find a way to slip it into a first or second date question. BUT - I have never had one email me yet and say 'so, what's the catch?'. It cracks me up though because when people do eventually ask I'm like, oh ok, are you happily married now? What are you doing on a dating site? Oh, you're single too? SO WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU, AHOLE? TELL ME NAO PLS.
My real answer, of course, is complicated. I didn't have any interest in settling down or getting married up until a few years ago. I did have relationships. Also, I'm kind of an odd duck, and I want an equally odd duck to pal around with. I think this is perfectly ok. Oh, also? Parents died in my late 20s and early 30s (not at the same time, hence the age ambiguity). If you're single and your parents get cancer you tend not to date much, or at least I didn't. None of these are things I want to reveal in my very first interaction with a guy - life stuff like that can usually wait until, like, I decide if I even want to know you. Or, you know, unless you read my blog. Maybe I'm intimidating, maybe I'm picky (which is *nice guy* speak for not interested in 'nice guys like him'), or maybe life just works out differently for everyone.
But that's only one of two problems with his message. He wants to be someone who KNEW me? Past tense? WTF does that even mean? Is he plotting my demise? Is he so self-pitying that he's already decided that if we met, I wouldn't keep him? He's probably right about that second part. I hate self-defeating crap. Seriously. I would totally make this guy cry within an hour and then he'd try to kill me in some completely wussy way.
So, of course, I checked out his profile. Sometimes it's fun to play 'crazy or whiny', you know?
Stats: 44, straight male, white, 5'10, profile pic is a vaguely shadowy head and shoulders shot, professional chef.
Now for the good stuff. I'm just excerpting sentences because he really goes ON.
"I am looking to date someone special. I am a romantic at heart and will always be. I spoil her and love romancing her."
Ok. He wants us to know he's romantic.
"I'm not from Texas and don't intend to spend the rest of my life here. It's nice and all, but I'd pick up and move with you if you wanted to get the hell out of here."
"I want you to be the first thing on my mind in the morning and the last thing I think about at night. I have learned that it's not about where you live or how much money you make but it's the "who" you live with and how you spend your time.

I've never been married. Why not? Because the right one hasn't met me yet."

She hasn't met HIM yet? This guy really phrases things oddly. Is he waiting for her to show up at his place with a UHaul so they can move together? I'm starting to suspect that he has met several someones who seemed right for him but who escaped, screaming, from his clutches.

"Love can't be "that" hard. Everybody else seems to be doing it. Why can't I? "

Well, you seem pretty preoccupied talking about how romantic you want to be instead of actually discussing who you are and what qualities you're looking for.

"I am a fantastic masseuse!

Also good at remembering what you tell me. I actually "listen" to what you tell me. Unique, huh? "
Now he just sounds bitter and assy.
"I can cook fancy, but love simple. I love cooking for that special girl and making her favorite dishes. Pair the dinner with a bottle or three of our favorite wines, and the evening is on it's way. If you don't cook, that's fine, I'll take care of it. If you do cook, then I am happy to watch and learn, or cook together.

I even serve breakfast in bed."

Wow, he offers great services. I wonder if anyone survives their stay at Chez Creepy.

He spends a lot of time thinking about:

"...why it takes so long to find a girl who will just let me love and take care of her. Seriously, I am the best boyfriend you can get, ever. Try me. :P"


On a typical Friday night he is:

"Relaxing or working. Never can tell. Love both. But if I had a special someone, then I would be spending it with her."

Does she have a choice? I was reading this and it just kept getting worse and worse, and all I could think of is this:

Here is the GRAND FINALE to his profile of win:

"The most private thing I’m willing to admit:

I was in your bedroom last night watching you sleep.:)"
Seriously? Who freaking says that? How messed up do you have to be to not know that is a horribly frightening thing to say? Stalker jokes are not funny in online dating. Ever. If your profile looks like this and you make a joke like that, odds are, you're not really joking. You think this behavior is romantic and cute, whereas most women think this behavior, if it happens, is cause for a restraining order.
So I decided to look at the rest of his pictures. His first one was ok, but too shadowy. The second one? I might have nightmares about. I'm all for posting a variety of angles or whatever, dressed up and dressed down, to show what you look like. But if you post 3 pics that you took of yourself please make sure one of them isn't after you've just had food poisoning. I know, it sounds evil, but this is ME. Believe me when I say I'm actually toning down my reaction. Oh, keep in mind, he was attracted to my profile because I'm 'fit', and he said in part of his profile that he wants someone who is height/weight proportional. I get it, I mean, we all like what we like and I want to be attracted to my partner too....
So, all I'm going to say about this is: On a dating site, please don't post a picture that causes the viewer to wonder if it's a pimple or a cold sore. Choose a different picture to post. Unless you always have it, in which case, thank you for the refreshing pictoral honesty.

Updated: I forgot, there was more. Holy crap.

"You should message me if

You are interesting, kind of quirky. If you have a good sense of humor and like to laugh. You like romance. You only want the best boyfriend you've ever had. You are affectionate and even a bit spontaneous. You don't currently have a husband or boyfriend. You are height to weight proportionate. Not a vegan.

You like a guy that actually opens the door for you.I'm not your typical "guy". I don't live for sports.

I love physical contact and plenty of alone time with my girl."
Alone. Just me, my girl, and my handy tarp, duct tape, and knife.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

4-way stop me

Who loves traffic?? Oh right, no one. HATE. IT. I have a commute now and I spend most of my drive hating the other drivers and not understanding why people slow down for no good reason. If I've been playing too many video games I tend to have fantasies about ramming the slow guy in front of me or blowing up the stupid truck blocking my lane (in my head they turn into the little Lego coins from the Lego Wii games).

By the time I make it back to my part of the metroplex I am done, done done. But just because I'm almost home doesn't mean I've avoided all possible asshole scenarios. You know what tends to make other people act like assholes even MORE than normal? Any changes in the traffic infrastructure, like this one.

Right by my apartment is a two-way stop. The main street just vrooms by and doesn't stop, but the side streets do. Here (I'm represented by the crown and it shows where I turn; the X is my destination):

Totally awesome, except they randomly changed it to a 4-way stop. Confusion ensued (I believe this is compounded by the fact that the didn't paint the line where they want you to stop, or a crosswalk, which is traditional). There was a cop there the first week to catch people who blew through it but after that we were on our own to navigate this strange new world. Some people don't adjust all that well.

So, on the day in question, I was driving down the mini hill approaching the 4 way stop behind a super slow guy. I've seen golf carts drive faster. I was breathing deeply and reminding myself not to flip out or aggressively pass him; I was almost home, this wouldn't last forever, etc. Lots of soothing self talk. We got to the new stop sign and stopped, and I was feeling extremely pleased with myself for having so much self control after a long day.

He turned right. It was the most excruiciatingly slow right turn I have every witnessed. I was practically banging my head on my steering wheel, especially since just recently we were all vrooming around this corner when it was pleasantly stop sign-less. Anyway. He turned and vanished, I drove up to the stop sign, did a full stop, and then started to make my own right turn when this happened:

This GIANT DICK races up behind me, doesn't stop, and then drives AROUND me to turn right.

I flipped out. I mean I completely went white hot rageaholic.

I didn't even think about it; I floored it. He was in some cheap little sports car and I was in my SUV. I hit the gas so hard I peeled out AND swerved (there was some standing water, as always, it probably is the only reason I'm not in jail right now). I actually couldn't get traction for a critical 1.5 seconds. I didn't care. I flew around the corner and chased him up the street.

I have no idea what I thought I was going to do; I wasn't thinking at all. I rolled my window down and was fully prepared to (ram him? cut him off? challenge him to a duel?). His itty bitty little sports car definitely had a speed advantage and I had been delayed by the puddle/traction problem. By the time we made it to the end of the side street I calmed down enough to realize that this couldn't possibly end well. He ran the stop sign there, too, probably fearing for his life, assuming he was smart enough to notice that I was full on chasing him down the street.

He got away :(