Saturday, August 21, 2010

4-way stop me

Who loves traffic?? Oh right, no one. HATE. IT. I have a commute now and I spend most of my drive hating the other drivers and not understanding why people slow down for no good reason. If I've been playing too many video games I tend to have fantasies about ramming the slow guy in front of me or blowing up the stupid truck blocking my lane (in my head they turn into the little Lego coins from the Lego Wii games).

By the time I make it back to my part of the metroplex I am done, done done. But just because I'm almost home doesn't mean I've avoided all possible asshole scenarios. You know what tends to make other people act like assholes even MORE than normal? Any changes in the traffic infrastructure, like this one.

Right by my apartment is a two-way stop. The main street just vrooms by and doesn't stop, but the side streets do. Here (I'm represented by the crown and it shows where I turn; the X is my destination):

Totally awesome, except they randomly changed it to a 4-way stop. Confusion ensued (I believe this is compounded by the fact that the didn't paint the line where they want you to stop, or a crosswalk, which is traditional). There was a cop there the first week to catch people who blew through it but after that we were on our own to navigate this strange new world. Some people don't adjust all that well.

So, on the day in question, I was driving down the mini hill approaching the 4 way stop behind a super slow guy. I've seen golf carts drive faster. I was breathing deeply and reminding myself not to flip out or aggressively pass him; I was almost home, this wouldn't last forever, etc. Lots of soothing self talk. We got to the new stop sign and stopped, and I was feeling extremely pleased with myself for having so much self control after a long day.

He turned right. It was the most excruiciatingly slow right turn I have every witnessed. I was practically banging my head on my steering wheel, especially since just recently we were all vrooming around this corner when it was pleasantly stop sign-less. Anyway. He turned and vanished, I drove up to the stop sign, did a full stop, and then started to make my own right turn when this happened:

This GIANT DICK races up behind me, doesn't stop, and then drives AROUND me to turn right.

I flipped out. I mean I completely went white hot rageaholic.

I didn't even think about it; I floored it. He was in some cheap little sports car and I was in my SUV. I hit the gas so hard I peeled out AND swerved (there was some standing water, as always, it probably is the only reason I'm not in jail right now). I actually couldn't get traction for a critical 1.5 seconds. I didn't care. I flew around the corner and chased him up the street.

I have no idea what I thought I was going to do; I wasn't thinking at all. I rolled my window down and was fully prepared to (ram him? cut him off? challenge him to a duel?). His itty bitty little sports car definitely had a speed advantage and I had been delayed by the puddle/traction problem. By the time we made it to the end of the side street I calmed down enough to realize that this couldn't possibly end well. He ran the stop sign there, too, probably fearing for his life, assuming he was smart enough to notice that I was full on chasing him down the street.

He got away :(


  1. Was it Ace and/or Gary from the Ambiguously Gay Duo who drove around you? They're the only ones I know with a dick car. :)
    Sorry the dude was such a jackwagon!

  2. Yes! I loved their penis-mobile. God this guy was such a dick. Later on I thought, maybe he had a medical emergency or something that made the dickish behavior legit. Probably not.