Wednesday, August 25, 2010

SO creepy!!

Today I received one of the creepiest message/dating profile combinations in a while. I think this guy goes into my top 5 all time worsts for his special combination of offensive, creepy, and creepier statements. Seriously, he is even better than the guy who asked me if I LIKE horses - you know, in an intimate way (I don't. I don't even mention horses in my profile. So weird.)

I was lying in bed, contemplating a nap, when my phone beeped to tell me that I had an message in OKCupid. I opened up the message and read it and immediately thought, what? What? I got up and went to my laptop so I could get the full impact. Here is his message:

Subject: Hmmmm

Smart, pretty and fit. Plus you like to cook and play video games.

I'm trying to figure out if you intimidate men or are just really picky. Maybe you just haven't bumped into the right one. Dunno.

I think I'd like to be someone who knew you. Maybe even got close to. I bet you're pretty awesome to be around. Drop me a line if you think the same.
Alarm bells! What is wrong with you? his message says. Why are you 34 and still single, crazy bish? Now, I get it, once you're in your 30s people do start to wonder where you have gone astray. They sometimes find a way to slip it into a first or second date question. BUT - I have never had one email me yet and say 'so, what's the catch?'. It cracks me up though because when people do eventually ask I'm like, oh ok, are you happily married now? What are you doing on a dating site? Oh, you're single too? SO WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU, AHOLE? TELL ME NAO PLS.
My real answer, of course, is complicated. I didn't have any interest in settling down or getting married up until a few years ago. I did have relationships. Also, I'm kind of an odd duck, and I want an equally odd duck to pal around with. I think this is perfectly ok. Oh, also? Parents died in my late 20s and early 30s (not at the same time, hence the age ambiguity). If you're single and your parents get cancer you tend not to date much, or at least I didn't. None of these are things I want to reveal in my very first interaction with a guy - life stuff like that can usually wait until, like, I decide if I even want to know you. Or, you know, unless you read my blog. Maybe I'm intimidating, maybe I'm picky (which is *nice guy* speak for not interested in 'nice guys like him'), or maybe life just works out differently for everyone.
But that's only one of two problems with his message. He wants to be someone who KNEW me? Past tense? WTF does that even mean? Is he plotting my demise? Is he so self-pitying that he's already decided that if we met, I wouldn't keep him? He's probably right about that second part. I hate self-defeating crap. Seriously. I would totally make this guy cry within an hour and then he'd try to kill me in some completely wussy way.
So, of course, I checked out his profile. Sometimes it's fun to play 'crazy or whiny', you know?
Stats: 44, straight male, white, 5'10, profile pic is a vaguely shadowy head and shoulders shot, professional chef.
Now for the good stuff. I'm just excerpting sentences because he really goes ON.
"I am looking to date someone special. I am a romantic at heart and will always be. I spoil her and love romancing her."
Ok. He wants us to know he's romantic.
"I'm not from Texas and don't intend to spend the rest of my life here. It's nice and all, but I'd pick up and move with you if you wanted to get the hell out of here."
"I want you to be the first thing on my mind in the morning and the last thing I think about at night. I have learned that it's not about where you live or how much money you make but it's the "who" you live with and how you spend your time.

I've never been married. Why not? Because the right one hasn't met me yet."

She hasn't met HIM yet? This guy really phrases things oddly. Is he waiting for her to show up at his place with a UHaul so they can move together? I'm starting to suspect that he has met several someones who seemed right for him but who escaped, screaming, from his clutches.

"Love can't be "that" hard. Everybody else seems to be doing it. Why can't I? "

Well, you seem pretty preoccupied talking about how romantic you want to be instead of actually discussing who you are and what qualities you're looking for.

"I am a fantastic masseuse!

Also good at remembering what you tell me. I actually "listen" to what you tell me. Unique, huh? "
Now he just sounds bitter and assy.
"I can cook fancy, but love simple. I love cooking for that special girl and making her favorite dishes. Pair the dinner with a bottle or three of our favorite wines, and the evening is on it's way. If you don't cook, that's fine, I'll take care of it. If you do cook, then I am happy to watch and learn, or cook together.

I even serve breakfast in bed."

Wow, he offers great services. I wonder if anyone survives their stay at Chez Creepy.

He spends a lot of time thinking about:

"...why it takes so long to find a girl who will just let me love and take care of her. Seriously, I am the best boyfriend you can get, ever. Try me. :P"


On a typical Friday night he is:

"Relaxing or working. Never can tell. Love both. But if I had a special someone, then I would be spending it with her."

Does she have a choice? I was reading this and it just kept getting worse and worse, and all I could think of is this:

Here is the GRAND FINALE to his profile of win:

"The most private thing I’m willing to admit:

I was in your bedroom last night watching you sleep.:)"
Seriously? Who freaking says that? How messed up do you have to be to not know that is a horribly frightening thing to say? Stalker jokes are not funny in online dating. Ever. If your profile looks like this and you make a joke like that, odds are, you're not really joking. You think this behavior is romantic and cute, whereas most women think this behavior, if it happens, is cause for a restraining order.
So I decided to look at the rest of his pictures. His first one was ok, but too shadowy. The second one? I might have nightmares about. I'm all for posting a variety of angles or whatever, dressed up and dressed down, to show what you look like. But if you post 3 pics that you took of yourself please make sure one of them isn't after you've just had food poisoning. I know, it sounds evil, but this is ME. Believe me when I say I'm actually toning down my reaction. Oh, keep in mind, he was attracted to my profile because I'm 'fit', and he said in part of his profile that he wants someone who is height/weight proportional. I get it, I mean, we all like what we like and I want to be attracted to my partner too....
So, all I'm going to say about this is: On a dating site, please don't post a picture that causes the viewer to wonder if it's a pimple or a cold sore. Choose a different picture to post. Unless you always have it, in which case, thank you for the refreshing pictoral honesty.

Updated: I forgot, there was more. Holy crap.

"You should message me if

You are interesting, kind of quirky. If you have a good sense of humor and like to laugh. You like romance. You only want the best boyfriend you've ever had. You are affectionate and even a bit spontaneous. You don't currently have a husband or boyfriend. You are height to weight proportionate. Not a vegan.

You like a guy that actually opens the door for you.I'm not your typical "guy". I don't live for sports.

I love physical contact and plenty of alone time with my girl."
Alone. Just me, my girl, and my handy tarp, duct tape, and knife.


  1. You can't possibly beat my story of the guy on dialysis who kept messaging me (three times!!) even though I didn't respond to him. He was the Creepiest Online Dating Dude Ever.

  2. Okay. Did he seriously use tongue face? Because of everything else, THAT is the dealbreaker. And, you know, wanting to wear you like last year's Versace.

  3. You remember the guy I blocked on Match who then proceeded to stalk me on Facebook and add me as a friend, knowing only my picture, first name and metropolitan area in which I reside?

    Yeah. Creepers abound.

  4. Creepers gonna creep:

    What a weirdo. :-/

  5. Mm, why is the creepiness always paired with total lack of self-knowledge?

    I'm also online dating in Dallas. It's grim. I 'met' this guy who seemed articulate, intelligent, funny. We were emailing. Then he asked me this question: "I'm looking for a completely egalitarian relationship, but behind closed doors prefer a very sweet, receptive, pleasing girl. Can you be truly happy in a fairly submissive role at least some of the time and on a regular basis?"

    The answer to that was both 'hell no' and 'oh crap.' Although in retrospect I'm *real* glad we didn't have that conversation on a first date.

  6. Holy crap! This is damn funny! Keep it up, I'm killing myself laughing right now :)