Thursday, July 22, 2010

Fun with roommates!

My freshman year of college was awesome. AWESOME. You know that saying: "There's a time and a place for everything - and it's called college"? Yeah, that was me. I lived a very very sheltered life up until then, for reasons we won't get into right now, but I moved into this suite with four other girls, a bunch of boys next door, and tons of alcohol and weed and a roommate who used to trip balls regularly and it was nuts. I shared a room with a blond ROTC girl; in the second bedroom we had another blond girl (both blond girls were named Jenny. It was confusing.) and this awesome Samoan girl. In the 3rd bedroom was, again, a blond girl, but she was a super Northern California hippie with parents who worked in state politics. Her family had a big name in local circles, which of course meant they never had any money because they were always campaigning.

So, not blond roomate (Tepa) somehow picked up a boyfriend in another state. One of those states in the middle of the country? I don't know how this happened because chatrooms weren't real yet and online dating hadn't been invented - this was in 1993, kids, the world was a different place. She liked to call him and they would talk for DAYS. We had one phone in our dorm room and no one had cell phones yet. Think I'm exaggerating? Not so much. Check this out.

Tepa got on the phone with her boy. She sat in our living room, talking and glaring at us if we tried to sit out there. This was not a problem at first, most of us were in and out and doing someone.

We all eventually made it to bed and went to sleep...all except Tepa. She stayed up talking to Boy. I have no fucking idea what anyone has to talk about for so long, especially when they could be out drinking or getting a little bit high and experiencing the young virile males growing abundantly in the dorm halls like perky little party favors.

Eventually our hippie roommate wandered out and mentioned vaguely that she needed to use the phone. Her parents had screwed up some money thing but her next quarter's tuition was due, so she needed to call her politically hippie parents and wrangle some school cash.

Tepa was looking a little worn around the edges. She nodded at hippie roommate and gave some indication that she would be off the phone soonish and waved her off.

Hippie went into her room and smoked some substances. A short time later she remembered she needed to use the phone, and started to feel a little panicky.

Tepa flailed an arm at her, apparently to mean 'bitch, please, I will get off the phone soon if you leave me the fuck alone for a minute'. She had been on the phone for 15 hours at that point. I was wandering around with one of the other blond roommates (a Jenny) and thought, uhoh. This can't end well. Vodka?

Around 3PM hippie roommate tried again - for the last time. She had spent the last 2 hours sobering up and working herself into a cute little hippie righteous indignation and she stormed out, hair flying everywhere, and squeaked out a final demand for the phone.

Tepa flipped her shit and started screaming at her that she had to learn how to share the phone, that she would get off the phone when she was ready, and that spoiled hippie roommate would just have to learn to wait and like it. Hippie roommate said "Parents! Tuition! Deadline! Money!" and it degenerated from there. I was taking a 'nap'. I don't remember exactly but my 'naps' were always either alcohol- or boy-related, so there you go. I wasn't fated to 'nap' for long this time. Tepa flew across the coffee table like a deranged person and went after hippie roommate. I suspect that this was due, in part, to mental and emotional exhaustion for being on the phone for so long. Talking on the phone while eating, peeing, drinking, and not sleeping is not fun (I've had to do 3 day conference calls like this in my adult life - trust me - that shit will get to you eventually).

Tepa attacked poor hippie roommate.

I came running out with one of the Jennys and saw Tepa slamming our roommate's head into the coffee table. We were shocked and scared. People came running into our suite and the boys next door pulled Tepa off of her (she was a big big girl). The rest is a blur of ambulances and campus security but I remember that Tepa was still screaming about how 'that bitch needed to learn to wait for the phone'. It was surreal, and totally a Jerry Springer moment, and we were all ZOMG ROOMMATE CRAZEEEEE.

Summer was in the hospital but somehow her tuition issues worked out, Tepa was kicked out of the dorms and hopefully suspended for a quarter, and the story made it around campus.

Epilogue: Tepa called me 6 months later and tried to borrow money to pay an $1800 phone bill. She then called me a year after THAT asking for my credit card number so she could call a psychic to help her find her wallet. I moved into an apartment my senior year with two girls who said, after hearing what dorms I had lived in my freshman year: "OMG, did you know that girl Tepa?" Yes, yes I did. She was batshit crazy.

1 comment:

  1. Holy shit! I'm so glad I didn't have to deal with any of that shit in my dorms. I mean, there was some drama, but nothing that devolved into a knock-down, drag-out! Crazy!