Sunday, July 18, 2010

Magazine scammers will GET YOU

This is my BFF's favorite story of me and a blackout rage incident - she emailed me some details I'd forgotten, such as actual words I used, etc. Enjoy :)

I lived in the dorms my freshman year of college, but my dorms were special - they had converted an apartment complex into an awesome dorm situation, so we lived in suites. I had 4 roommates in a 3 bedroom 2 bath suite with a living room (no kitchen though). My suitemates were a combination of ultra conservative and fucking crazy, which ended up with . One afternoon I was sitting in our living room watching the X-Files - yes, I'm really that old, shut up - when someone knocked in our door. In a suite with 5 girls, this happened a lot. LOTS of boys dropping by with treats or invitations or random leering. This boy, however, did not want to give us anything - he wanted to sell us some magazines. You know the spiel; reformed kids from bad circumstances given magazine sales jobs to keep them busy and employed. I of course got super excited, because I get super excited about every freaking thing that is new to me, and I ordered a few magazines. Why not! I'm on my own! I have a little money! Magazines!

He took my money and went on his way. A few months later I realized I had no magazines - they never came. I was also broke from that and other random unexpected expenses (lingerie. It's a problem).
That fucker SCAMMED ME. I found out later that this was a thing - they target freshman dorms right after move-in. I actually found that out for sure a few years later in my Persuasion Theories class. Persuasion Theories was awesome, it was under Communication and Psych and you learned about cults, and random hard sell sales techniques, and pyramid schemes AND ABOUT THE FUCKING MAGAZINE SCAMMERS. Ahem.
Fast-forward to December; BFF and I went to a nearby big city mall for some Christmas shopping. Shopping!

We were walking along happily gossiping, talking about how awesome college was and what was probably contributing to the freshman 15 (alcohol, crappy food, and 420 munchies most likely) when we were approached by a guy. Guess what he wanted.

That's right, astute reader. HE WANTED TO SELL US SOME MAGAZINES.

I was enraged. I started seeing clouds of blood. Instead of politely refusing, which is what I normally do when approached by random people selling ridiculous crap, I started foaming at the mouth. My hands turned into tiny fists of fury.
"....Magazines?" I said, in a white-hot fury.
"Uh, yes ma'am, magazines, we have a 3 for 1 deal on..."
"I don't want your magazines. Why would I give you MY MONEY only to never ever get your crappy fucking magazines?!"
He started to look a little freaked out, but the kid had heart. He was adamant that it was legit, I'd get the magazines, etc.
"It's a scam! A SCAM. You will take our money and we will never ever get the magazines and"
(Things get blurry here for a while. More of me ranting about what a scam it is. He gets VERY DEFENSIVE.)
BFF is standing by in shocked silence, clearly wishing she were someplace else but also having my back and wanting to see the fireworks.
I ranted a little about the guy who sold me magazines at the dorm. He decided to attempt logical argument to win me over as to his innocence:
Salesdouche: "Well, most murderers are men, do you think EVERY man is a murderer?"
ME: "I would if he was standing in front of me waving a fucking KNIFE."

The End.


  1. Your parting shot? Brilliant. Abso-fuckin'-lutely brilliant.

  2. haha, thank you. I say some epic shit in confrontations, I'm glad BFF was there to remind me what was actually said :>